Open Letter to XXX Church Re: “8 Reasons My Wife…”

This is my response to the article “8 Reasons my Husband Won't Have Sex With Me” found in the link here.

To start, let me say I really like the people at XXX Church and respect a lot of what they've done in the fight against porn. Thumbs up to all. 

Now to the article and what will hopefully be read as constructive criticism. I'll break down the article point by point and list my own reasons why this dog won't hunt.

1.    No man wants to have sex with his mom.

I could write a book on this. I talk to a lot of guys that come to me with the same complaints. Mainly, they feel disrespected, controlled, and constantly criticized. I'm searching for some way to say this without losing my intended audience… If you want your wife to respect you, respect yourself. Learn to hear and express feelings. That's right, I used the F word. Admittedly it can be like learning another language.

Most of us hear our wives voice a question, opinion, concern, or complaint out of a place of feeling and we take it on as fact. Moreover her feeling that’s now been transformed into a fact becomes a personal attack against us. She's not talking about our actions, she's talking about us as a person! If you're willing to give your value away based on how your wife feels then I imagine you want to have sex with someone that doesn't value you. But who’s that on? If we go see a movie and I think it's the best movie ever and my wife hates it, does that mean her belief or feeling is right and mine is wrong? Facts aren't feelings and feeling aren't facts. Until we can learn to hear and respond to feelings this will continue to be a problem. 

This works in reverse as well. An example might be a married couple sitting down to do the bills.  They quickly realize the income is less than the outflow. A wife might say “We don't make enough money.” This is a factual statement based on what she is seeing and simple mathematics. If you're like me what I hear sounds more like “You don't make enough money.” The reality here is it’s not my wife criticizing or complaining it's how I'm taking it on. It threatens the provider role for me and makes me feel less than. I'm using traditional roles in this example but the same would apply in whatever role the husband is in. 

2.     He Doesn’t Feel Wanted.

I might rephrase this to say he wants to feel valuable since that's what feeling wanted affirms in us. Men tend to assign the majority of their value to the results of their actions. However, finding value in times when the results aren't up to whatever standard he has put in place for himself, makes him feel not good enough. It stands to reason that men who don't feel enough would also not feel wanted. Again I would ask who’s responsible for that feeling? I would echo your opinion that men need to be more vulnerable in expressing desire instead of opting for the safer choice that almost always leads to resentment.

3.    He’s Dealing With Medical Issues or Depression.

Extremely valid and something I hope would be respected for both.

4.    Flannel Pajamas Suck.

You lost me. Flannel pajamas are a reason to not have sex? Unless there's a phobia to flannel or it triggers a traumatic lumberjack memory. I'm inclined to believe this was meant to provide levity. Or are we still struggling with the unrealistic images we’ve seen while viewing pornography. You also state, “Sometimes even a small change can make a big impact, like resisting the urge to put on ratty sweats as soon as you get home, wearing a cute outfit instead of frumpy jeans for a night out, or actually putting on some of the “sexy” lingerie you’ve bought”. Could it be the standard set by the media that's forced down our throat everyday? Are we trying to apply this impossible standard to our wives? Is it a problem with what my wife wears or a problem with my damaged arousal template? 

You quote a 2003 Newsweek study that says,"between 15% and 20% of couples are living in a sexless marriage, defined as making love no more than 10 times a year". Later on you say, "71.3% of men in the U.S are obese or overweight compared to 68% of women. So, guys you got to work on this even more then your wives". I'm no mathematician, but let's be very conservative and just say half of those stout people(a club I now belong to) are married. That would mean at least 30% to 35% of overweight women are married. Then let's take that 15% to 20% of married couples who aren't having sex. Even if every single one of the women in those marriages is heavy (unlikely), AT LEAST 15% of their husbands still desire an active sex life with them. That's a lot of people. Obviously these numbers are conservative guesstimates. But I hope my point is clear. If tons of fat people  are having sex, maybe the woman's appearance isn't the issue as much as men's damaged brains. I recommend these men take 90 days of abstinence from sex, porn, and masturbation. I bet they'll begin to see their wives in a whole new light. 

I'm all for getting healthier, but for the right reasons. 

5.    You Pay More Attention to Facebook than to Him.

I don't claim to know a whole lot but one thing I do know is that God created us to be relational. Our need to connect is more important than air at times. I believe the multiple social media outlets can provide a safe way to connect in our fast-paced society. It's great to catch up with friend, but dangerous to take our closest connections for granted. Our role as men requires us to be bold and lead by example, always demonstrating vulnerability. One of my favorite quotes is by Dave Willis and states, “Marriage is not 50-50; Divorce is 50-50; Marriage has to be 100-100; It isn't dividing everything in half, but giving everything you’ve got.”

6.    He’s Getting It Somewhere Else.

I don't have any issue with the statement that men cheat. I agree, affairs, pornography, and sexual addiction are at pandemic proportions. I take issue with the statement “Studies show that most (not all) guys need sex every three days or less.” First, it's simply not true. No clinical study has been done that supports this. A couple books written by men making this claim doesn't make it a fact. Secondly, sex is never a need. It is a gift and an important part of marriage. But we can survive without it and men NEED to get this. What about single men, divorced men, or widowed men? Finally, it promotes the belief that wives are responsible for their husband’s sexual purity. What happens if she doesn't have sex with him every 72 hours? Does he now have permission to “get it somewhere else”? This is an egregious attempt to pass of a myth as science and the potential effects are terrifying. This lie is what the provides men the justification to continue behavior that is damaging to themselves and their marriages. 

7.    His Walls Are Up.

Marriage is 100-100 and there's nothing wrong with wives taking the lead role in vulnerability from time to time in order to promote healthy communication. The problem is when our wives attempt this we often go back to number one on your list. Why not engage in things we have more control of like how we respond, instead of waiting on change to come from an external source and feeling helpless?

8.    He’s English and Prefers Gardening to Sex.  

You got me on this one……I have no words.

I hate to see married couples not connecting as well, but in no way is terrible sex better than no sex. Just ask your wife. I hope you will read this with an open heart and mind. The more we learn ourselves, the better we can help others. 
Get to work! 

Jeff Hutchinson is a Professional Life Coach and Certified Pastoral Sexual Addiction Specialist. Jeff serves on the board of the International Association for Christian Sexual Addiction Specialists.

Jeff and his wife, Ella, a Licensed Professional Counselor, Certified Clinical Sex Addiction Specialist, Certified Clinical Partner Specialist, and CSAT-C, have been married since 1999. They have counseled couples struggling with sex addiction to find healing, since 2010.

Jeff's story is a testament to the power of Christ to release a person from the bondages of addiction. He coaches men who struggle with pornography and other sexually compulsive behavior to find sexual purity in their lives, their marriages, and in their minds.

Learn more about Jeff and Ella here