1. Safety — I need to see you doing things to show me you take recovery seriously. Sometimes I’ll need space. I might need filters, GPS tracking on your phone, polygraphs, etc. because I can’t trust your words right now.

2. Trust — If I say I love you or I’m proud of you, I mean it. If I say my needs are for safety and not to try to control or punish you, I mean it. I need you to trust my heart and my motives. 

3. Validation — What I feel is real and is OK, even if you don’t think I should feel that way. It means so much to hear you tell me this instead of becoming defensive or inpatient.

4. Patience — Please don’t put a timeline on my healing. I’ll get there, but it will take longer than you want it to. When you support me, I’ll heal more quickly.

5. Respect — Treat me like a human being who is intelligent and not just valued for my body or what I can offer you. Listen to my needs and boundaries and when you aren’t sure what I need, ask me. Your words, your touch, your actions can be triggering. They can also be comforting. Let me teach you how to help me. 

6. Truth — I can handle the truth even if it upsets me. Tell me the tough stuff, the ugly stuff, the scary stuff. Don’t try to hurt me, but it helps when you share your challenges, triumphs, and struggles when I ask. I deserve for you to answer my questions honestly. I may get hurt or even angry, but I’ll respect you for it and grow to trust you over time for if you are consistent. Hearing the truth will get easier for me over time too. If you fall again, I can’t tell you for sure how I’ll handle it or even if I’ll stay, but telling me will go so much better than me finding out another way. 

7. Ownership — Own up to your mistakes. Take responsibility for your betrayal. Please don’t get defensive. I’ll heal more quickly this way. Show me that you’re sorry and you regret your actions. Remind me of your genuine remorse by your words and actions.

8. Humility — Don’t brag about your accomplishments or point out how good you’re doing, unless I ask. I’m watching and I notice. But don’t expect accolades for being the spouse you should have been all along. Turn to same-sex accountability partners and other wise, discerning people for that. It isn’t my job to build you up or be your cheerleader. 

9. Empathy — Try to put yourself in my shoes and understand my pain. When I share my pain I’m not trying to shame you. I am just desperate for you to “get it”.

10. Your Presence — I’ll need to express my feelings. My pain, my fears, my triggers. Stay present with me through this even when you want to run. Please don’t stay distracted so much by your phone, hobbies and recovery activities that you ignore me. Show me I’m a priority.  Put your phone down. Turn the TV off. Please listen to me. You don’t have to have the perfect words. The intent of your heart matters more to me. Over time, this will become evident by your actions and follow-through.

11. Your service — Ask how you can help because I’m going to get overwhelmed more easily for a while. Offer to pick up the slack while I heal. Make me coffee. Do the dishes. But please don’t use acts of service as a way to avoid being emotionally present for me. 

12. Reassurance — I’m doubting your love and devotion to me for good reason. Tell me often why you’re still here and why I’m special to you. 

Selected Additional Resources to Support Partners of Sex Addicts

• Article: Sex & Pornography Addiction Therapy — This article details how and why pornography is harmful, defines sex addiction, and offers resources to support those seeking recovery of sex addiction.

• Article: Stop the Abuse of Partners of Sex Addicts — Here I address why I advocate moving away from a co-sex addict model and instead honoring that “most partners are healthy women who are trying their best to cope with the discovery that their husband has repeatedly sexually betrayed them. They should be treated as such.”

• Ella Hutchinson Comfort Christian Counseling blog — with articles addressing some of the most important topics affecting the partners of sex addicts

• Support Group on Zoom for Wives of Sex Addicts — check for details on the next enrollment

• And actually, we have a lot more content throughout our website to support partners of sex addicts — You can start on the Comfort Christian Counseling home page as a good jumping off point and then go from there.